Like everybody, I've had a lot of pain in my life and I'm a work in progress. You must
have a true desire to see the world from a different point of view, and that comes with growing up. Walton Goggins

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Friday, May 11, 2018

Just Because

Today, I just feel like blogging.  Not about anything in particular, I just feel the need to write.  So if you'd like to listen pull up a seat, grab a cup of coffee, tea, or whatever and enjoy.

It's been a long time since I have actively paid any attention to my online presence.  At one point in time it was my link to the outside world.  When my husband died, a little over two years ago, my world changed and honestly so did my creative mojo.  I had gotten so used to creating as a way to cope with all of the stress I dealt with and all the pain I went through.  Over the past two years I have had to rebuild my life and myself in so many ways, this also includes creatively.  After he passed I stepped away from everything.  I deleted over 200 videos from my YouTube and all my blog posts and hard work that I had put in.  I had reached a point where I just couldn't deal with anything.  So here I am, all this time later, starting fresh.  I feel like it's both a gift and a curse.  But I am embracing the challenge of it and happily moving forward.

In the past two years I have changed so much and so has my life.  I know that I have mentioned that I moved from Massachusetts to Georgia.  But that hasn't been the only change.  I am no longer this overly anxious ball of stress, that completely tried to avoid just about everything, floating around behind the walls I had built up to protect myself.  Over time those walls have fallen.  I am less anxious and less stressed.    With the help of a few absolutely awesome people in my life I have learned how to move forward with my life and embrace it.  I wake up everyday and make the choice to be happy, search out the positive things, and count my blessings.  It's not always the easiest choice to make. I am human and sometimes wallowing in my own stuff would just be so much easier.

Over the past two years I have struggled to come back to center.  I have learned how to be myself again and stop apologizing for it.  I have come to the point that if I am too much or not enough of something for someone that just needs to be their issue.  I am and have always been quite a unique being and the people that appreciate my uniqueness are the ones that get my time and energy.  For me it has become just that simple.

Part of coming back to center for me is embracing my creativity and running with it.  Even if I don't share it with the world all the time, it's important for me to create.  I want to get back into making videos and posting on my blog on a regular basis.  I am working towards that goal.  My only issue is that on the other hand I need to make money (just like everyone else I have to make a living).  So now I am struggling with how to figure out how to do that. 

I am at a point where physically I can't do the restaurant jobs I did in my younger years and have very little other training.  I have been thinking about going back to school to finish my degree so I can find a job, but one question remains.  What is it I want to do exactly?  I like to create (paint, collage, hot glue stuff to other stuff, and anything else that is generally messy), I like to talk to people, and I enjoy helping others.  But how do I translate all of that into a profession?  Is it even possible? How would I go about doing it anyway? 

So be patient with me.  I will be back in full force, sooner rather than later.